PARENTS
Want to Ease Tension at Home? Treat Your Partner Like a Toddler
These tried-and-true toddler-taming tips work for grown-ups, too (really!).
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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PARENTS
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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Bestsellers
Recently the New York Times added a new word to its lexicon: covidivorce. Though the portmanteau makes for a funny meme, the reality of lockdown is that it can put serious pain and strain on relationships! You are feeling trapped indoors…juggling a dozen tasks and chores…on top of having sick relatives, a global pandemic unfolding outside, and all sorts of stress about finances and the future.
In other words, you are totally normal if you snap because your partner lets the dishes pile up in the sink, leaves towels on the bathroom floor, or is eating pretzels with an open mouth and just making too much noise.
So, what is the best way to smooth tension during quarantine and back away from your own personal Defcon 1?
Wait for it….treat your partner like a toddler.
Yes, you read that right.
Much like toddlers, adults get agitated and irritable and drop a few levels of self-control when we are stressed (read: bored, exhausted, worried, overburdened, etc.). All of this brings out the exaggerated reactions—even wild, illogical and uncivilised ones. It is the equivalent of using an Instagram filter that distorts us into a whiney, pouty, shout-y toddler-like versions of ourselves.
It is all normal, but it can definitely put one on the rough road towards a covidivorce. With that in mind, here are some toddler-tested tips that can work magic for all the grownups living under your roof!
The Fast-Food Rule is one of the most basic laws of good communication during times of high emotion. Ordinarily, the simple rule that guides our conversations is 'turn-taking.' We go back and forth, in taking roughly even turns. But when emotions run high, the world’s best communicators know that whoever is most upset (hungriest for attention) automatically gets to talk first—and gets a turn that is 2-4 times longer than normal conversation. (Kind of like how at a fast-food restaurant, the waiter always repeats your order, making sure they understand what you are saying before getting to their agenda…how much you have to pay.)
But that is just the first part of this universally effective golden rule. The second part has to do with the way you speak. And, it is even more important than the first part!
The second part of the Fast Food Rule is that when you acknowledge what your partner is feeling, you do it in a very specific way! (Scientists have shown that the way you speak to someone who is upset is more important and comforting than what you say.)
This is where the idea of speaking to toddlers comes in:
With toddlers, you may have noticed that you use a little more emotion when acknowledging their feelings. You do not flatly say, 'Did you enjoy breakfast?' you sing-song it and use repetition, like 'Mmmm yummy! That was yummy, right?' That is what makes them feel heard and loved.
I began to notice that when I echoed a bit of the child’s upset feelings back—speaking in what I call Toddler-ese—I could often transform their sobs to smiles in minutes! And, upset adults are not so different. When we express an emotion to one another in a genuine way using empathic facial gestures and tone of voice, whether it is fear, anger, or sadness, it helps us feel heard and understood.
For example, if you are really annoyed, it is probably not going to make you feel better if your partner responds to you in an overly upbeat or flat tone. It might feel cold, uncaring…or even condescending! Instead, you want to try to mirror a bit of the other person’s tone, expressions, or gestures.
Agitated people are terrible listeners. Big emotions, like anger and fear, turn our open minds into closed doors. But once we express our feelings—and they are acknowledged—our minds swing back open and we can again pay attention to the good suggestions from the people we love.
And, here are two more easy tips to use in between the daily upsets to help you build your patience and help you and your partner feed each other with little snacks of love and respect.
When tensions run high do not forget to…breathe! When we are stressed, frightened, or in pain, we tend to tighten up and hold our breath, which can amp up our anxiety. But just a few slow breaths can help restore a sense of peace—that is why I encourage parents to teach their toddlers what I call Magic Breathing, a self-soothing skill they can employ when they feel themselves getting upset.
Of course, you can use it when you are upset…but, it works best when you allow yourself to enjoy a few moments of this type of serenity and practice at least a couple of times each day. Here is how: Sit in a comfortable chair, uncross your legs, put your hands in your lap, drop your shoulders, and relax the tiny muscles around your mouth and eyes. Slowly inhale through your nose feeling the cool air enter for a few seconds. Then, exhale slowly, about twice as long as you are breathing in (exhale slowly, but do not hold your breath).
Where 'time outs' discipline bad behaviour, time ins reward good behaviour—and in this case, they can remind a couple why and how much they love each other!
For toddlers, my favorite time ins are attention, praise, and play…all of which can be adapted for grownups! The best part about time ins for busy parents, is that they are fast and easy to work into your day. Adult time-in can be as simple as giving your partner a hug or small compliment. Or, a bit more investment, like giving a 10-minute massage, spending 5 minutes cuddling, offering a snack or cup of tea or glass of wine, or simply just show them that you are listening to them when they talk!
What you want to do is show your partner that what they are doing is important and that you really care!
Disclaimer: The information on our site is NOT medical advice for any specific person or condition. It is only meant as general information. If you have any medical questions and concerns about your child or yourself, please contact your health provider. Breastmilk is the best source of nutrition for babies. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, mothers eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast- and bottle-feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of a mother's breastmilk and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. If you do decide to use infant formula, you should follow instructions carefully.
